Living by your Values
There’s a lot of talk about ‘values’.
And I’ve never been able to connect with the term.
I would think, ‘What are my values?’
And nothing would come to mind. Nothing that would resonate anyway.
People say things like: ‘honesty!’ ‘integrity!’ ‘family!’
And I would think, yeah, of course, all these things.
But these come without saying, don’t they?
What are ‘values’ exactly? And what do we do with them?
I once was at a course when we had to write down 10 values and order them from what we felt we really had nailed at the top of the list, and ones we really struggled with at the bottom. Interestingly, one of the ones I thought I struggled with was compassion. The next step was to flip the chart upside down and have the bottom value as one for us to focus on.
It made sense in a way. If we felt we had nailed the easy ones, which may have come naturally to us, why not focus on developing the ones we struggled with?
Now, this was a long time ago, but for many years, my ‘value’ was compassion. I brought it everywhere I went, my work, my relationships, my animals. I tried to develop my compassion for others. Seeing their point of view, understanding their pain, demonstrating empathy and understanding for the experiences, feelings, and needs of others. (Interestingly, it wasn’t until years later that I realised that I failed to provide this for myself!)
I found this incredibly helpful and indeed, over time, I believe my ‘compassion’ muscle was well exercised.
Back to values. Do you have ones you automatically bring up when asked? Or values that you try to live your life by?
Hold Values Lightly
I was confused about values also because I’m not sure I could live by them 100% of the time. Take the value of honesty. Does this mean we always need to be honest 100% of the time? What if a friend asks ‘Do you like my haircut?’ (and I really don’t) - Do I stick with my ‘value’ or do I weasle my way around the question? (Of course, I can say, ‘I liked it better the way it was before’ - which is honest and somewhat kind).
Anyway, I would get myself tied up in knots about such things. I never really ‘got’ values and how people could choose a few and stick with them (or say they do) all the time. Does one never move from one’s values?
I was pleased to hear Russ Harris state this about values: “values are best held lightly, and values often need to be prioritised”. Ie if your value is kindness and someone is being a complete arse to you, this may be a time when this value is temporarily removed and self-preservation or even anger is expressed.
In a way, fusing with your values, “I must be honest/kind/loyal no matter what”, can get us in trouble.
Loyalty may cause people to stay in relationships a lot longer than they should. You may value being independent, but there may be a time to allow yourself to depend on others and give yourself a break.
(This reminds me of holding values that no longer serve us because they are found to cause harm. Although more seen as a ‘right’ rather than a value. the USA’s second amendment - the right to bear arms comes to mind. This may have been valuable in 1791, but is no longer a sensible value/right to hold on so tightly to and causes harm)
In a way, fusing to our beliefs can lead us into a whole lot of trouble if we are not willing to move when our belfs not longer serve us.
What exactly are values?
According to Russ Harris, “values are our heart's deepest desires for the way we want to interact with the world, other people, and ourselves. They're what we want to stand for in life… what sort of person we want to be, what sort of strengths and qualities we want to develop." More importantly, values are about how you want to behave, how you desire to act, what matters to you, and what's important to you. They’re not about what you should do or have to do. [Often, the things you should do reflect other people’s values.]” (from ACT Made Simple by Russ Harris, MD [ed. NB]).
More recently, I was at my HIP training (Health Improvement Practitioner), where once again the idea of ‘values’ came up. I was brave enough (while everyone was nodding their heads and writing their core values down) to say, “I really don’t get values,” which seemed a bit of a ridiculous thing to say.
So I had to expand, with my reasoning as above, that they didn’t resonate with me, that they are kind of obvious and also movable, changeable. (And sometimes I hear what people’s values are, and I look at them and think, really?? But that’s just between you and me, because perhaps I need to focus on my ‘non-judgemental’ value.)
And then the question was asked, “What’s important to you?” I replied with a shrug of my shoulders, “Many things, but not ‘one’ thing”. Well, a better question might be ‘How do you want to be in this world?’
My answer was: “I just want to be a decent human being”
Not earth-shattering. Nothing that would move mountains or change the world - just to be a decent person. To try my best, to do what’s right. I’m not sure this can be captured in a word.
I heard of someone’s value recently that was to ‘see the world with bug eyes’ - meaning he wanted to view the world with curiosity and interest. For now, at least.
Values Change
The thing is, values can change. They aren’t fixed. You might want to focus on one area of your life for a while and bring in a certain value. But at other times, your focus may need to change. When you feel that you have practised one value long and hard, it may simply become second nature - and maybe another value needs to take place.
Or maybe you have three or so top values which govern your life. (Or maybe you don’t give two hoots about having a value and you just get on with your life).
My current value, “I just want to be a decent human being”, means that I pick up rubbish on the beach when I see it. It means I care about my friends and neighbours, I turn up to work and do the best job I can, while also being ‘human’. Being compassionate is a great value, but sometimes people need less compassion and more of a gentle nudge in a direction with a sprinkle of compassion thrown in.
I’m actually relieved. I don’t need to feel embarrassed that I don’t hold a ‘value’ or two in my toolkit of self-identity. That my value of ‘being a decent human being’ covers quite a lot for now, until I’m ready to focus on something else.
And often, the new focus is because I perceive a lack in what I want to have, which brings me to the conscious decision of bringing this new value into light and making it something I choose to strive for.
To see a list of core values you can go here: https://www.thebehavioralscientist.com/list-of-values
Helen is a registered nurse and life coach, specialising in mental health from a holistic perspective. She is passionate about supporting people to have optimal mental health and well-being, and forever hopeful that the medical model will realise that mental health isn’t all in your head.
Based in New Zealand, Helen is available for consultation, education sessions and mental health speaking engagements.
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