‘I’m a bad person’ and other lies we tell ourselves
Recently, a client and I were discussing the negative little voice that popped into her mind more often than she liked.
I refer to this little voice as ‘the monkey mind’.
I see it as a little mischievous monkey that sits on your shoulder and just chips in with endless babble.
Most of it unhelpful.
Some of it harmful.
In this case, it was always chipping in with an unhelpful solution.
After checking that she was safe and not at any risk, she said:
“Can I just tell them (the thoughts) to piss off?”
“Absolutely!” I replied.
Sometimes we give that little voice far too much airtime.
Tell that little monkey mind to go away.
Did it help?
Well, yes, it did. In the following session, she revealed that by telling the thoughts to ‘go away’, or ‘not now’ - they took up much less of her headspace.
Who’s in the driver’s seat?
Sometimes, the little monkey isn’t just sitting on your shoulder, babbling unhelpful things in your ear…
Sometimes the monkey gets in the driver’s seat of the car.
This is usually not a good thing. It may take over your thoughts, impact your behaviours and cause a little chaos.
Don’t let your monkey mind get hold of the wheel!
Give it a personality and a name
If you recognise this little monkey mind - you might imagine that yours is a somewhat different creature.
You might imagine yours as a little monster, a blob or a creature reminiscent of something you would find in a children’s book.
You can give it a personality and a name to suit.
In the case of the client, she called her constant shoulder companion “Moaning Myrtle”.
But you could use any name that befits your nemesis
(The monkey mind is not always bad or negative, by the way - just most of the time. Occasionally, it has helpful things to say).
You might notice that it’s often the judgmental ‘should mind’: “I should”, “she should”, “he should”, “they should”.
Or the critical mind. “Why did you do it that way?” “You’re talking too much”, “you’re not talking enough”. Or simply: “You’re an idiot” or worse: “You’re a bad person”. (I had this one myself recently - but that story is for another day).
You might call it: “Negative Nancy”, “Belligerent Beryl”, “Little Monster”, “Judgemental Jack”, ‘Doubting Dave” or something that you wouldn’t want to say out loud in polite company.
It’s helpful to see him/her/it as a friend who is ‘only trying to help’, but who often gets the wrong end of the stick. Or gives their opinion when you haven’t asked for it.
You can acknowledge your monkey-mind-friend, thank it for pointing out that while it was unfortunate that you burnt the toast - you’re not actually ‘an idiot’, and, despite its suggestions, you’re not ‘always stuffing things up’ and actually you’ve made plenty of toast before without burning it (just as an example).
Oh, and burning the toast doesn’t mean you are a bad person.
And carry on with your day.
I also like to think of it this way:
The Monkey Mind can be quite dominant
Bring the ‘Wise Mind’ to be in control.
We have within us a ‘wise’ mind - one that is relatively logical, kind, compassionate and makes good decisions.
We also have the ‘monkey’ mind - which we may consider to be emotional, irrational, reactive and sometimes a bit of a bully.
We can be aware of both these minds having a wee argument as to who should be in the driver’s seat.
Your behaviour may depend on which ‘mind’ you choose to follow.
Choose wisely 🙂
What do you think?
Do you have a name for your Monkey Mind?
What would you call it?
Important: If you are struggling with significant repetitive negative thoughts, please reach out to talk to someone - they can be serious and not easy to get on top of.
Helen is a registered nurse and life coach, specialising in mental health from a holistic perspective. She is passionate about supporting people to have optimal mental health and well-being, and forever hopeful that the medical model will realise that mental health isn’t all in your head.
Based in New Zealand, Helen is available for consultation, education sessions and mental health speaking engagements.
Get in touch with Helen here
Purchase the Mini Guide to Mental Well-being here
Do her online course in Changing Lives here
If you would like to get a holistic W.O.F so you can be the best version of yourself, get in contact with me here.
